The following steps represent a plan for
increasing safety and preparing in advance to exit an abusive situation.
No one can control someone else's violent tendencies, but there are steps women
can take to safely remove herself and her children from harm.
Diffusing a violent incident
Step 1: Women cannot
control what their abusers may do. They
cannot offset their anger, and they
cannot change the
other person's actions nor can they predict when a violent
episode will occur. Whatever works to keep you safe.
I can use
some or all of the following strategies:
A. Keep windows unlocked, and chain or bolt locks off
doors.
Worried about safety? A
battered woman is in more danger in
her home with an abusive partner than
from some random
chance that her home will be broken
into. Make getting out a
priority.
B. Keep your purse and
keys where you have easy access to
them at all times.
C. Let a neighbor know if
they hear strange sounds coming from
your home, it is all right for them
to call the police.
D. Teach children how to
use the telephone to contact the police
and the fire department.
E. Decide on a code to
use for children or friends so they can call
for help. (It is best to chose
a word that they will clearly
identify as a request for help. Make it
something that would
not ordinarily be said in a violent
confrontation. If you are in
fear of what will happen next, that the
situation is escalating
beyond what you can handle, use the word.
Possibly, a food
or a flower, or something along those
lines.)
F. Have a place in mind
to go to if you have to leave quickly.
Decide in advance and make sure these
places are safe and
that you will be welcomed any time
you may need them.
G. You must decide
whether or not to let your children know in
advance what you are planning to do.
It is important to keep in
mind the age and emotional state of
the child/children
involved. Be absolutely sure that the abuser
will not be able to
coerce or bully the information about your plan
from the child.
H. The home is in some
ways the most dangerous place to be. In
burglaries, it is the isolation of
the home that offers the
intruders the opportunity to torture,
rape, or kill their victims. It
is no different in a domestic
violence situation.
The "comfort of home" often gives the abuser a sense
of
security to do as they please. If at all possible try
to move
arguments out of areas such as the bathroom, garage,
kitchen,
near weapons or in rooms without access to an outside
door.
I. Keep in
mind that no one can give you a concrete answer on
how to react in any given situation.
During a violent
encounter, you can only rely on your own
instincts and
judgments. Whatever works to diffuse the
situation, USE.
There is no other right or wrong, whatever keeps you
safe,
USE.
If You Are Preparing To Leave:
Step 2: If you are preparing
to leave, implement a plan to increase
your chances of leaving safely.
Choose the time you will
leave carefully. It is best to leave during the
‘honeymoon
period', the time just after the fight when the abuser is
trying to
make up for what they have done. The abuser
will watch immediately after a
fight for signs that you are
considering leaving. This is a more dangerous
time to try
to leave. Once they relax and are settled, they will not be
looking closely for signs that you will leave.
I can use
some or all the following safety strategies:
A. Leave some money and an extra set of keys with
someone you
can trust in case you have to leave
without warning.
B. Leave extra copies of
any documents, extra clothes for you
and your children, and even a prepaid
phone card or two
you may need with that person you
trust (remember prepaid
cards can not be traced).
C. Make sure you have
access to any bank accounts you may
have at all times.
D. Other things I can do
to increase my chances of leaving safely:
E. The domestic violence
program's hot line number is
__________________. Use this number
at any time to obtain
help.
F. Keep change or prepaid
phone cards for phone calls on me at
all times. Understand that if
you use your telephone credit
card, the following month the
telephone bill will tell the abuser
those numbers that were called after
you left.
Keep
telephone communications confidential, either use
coins, get a friend to permit you to use
their telephone credit
card for a limited time, or purchase a prepaid
phone card.
G. Take those offers from
people who have offered to give you a
place to stay or to lend you money.
It will be needed at first,
and you can repay them in another way.
Chances are, your
leaving and finding safety will be payment
enough.
H. Pack a suitcase with
extra clothes and leave it with the person
who has agreed to help you with your
plan.
I. Review
your safety plan periodically and evaluate your
progress.
J. Rehearse escape
plan. If appropriate, practice it with my
children. Again, keep in mind
the age and emotional state of
the children. Be careful not to
give a child information as to
your plan unless you are absolutely
sure the abuser won't be
able to coerce or bully it out of the
child.
Important Items to take
when leaving:
Step 3: Items to take when
leaving. It is important to take certain
items with you. If at all
possible, obtain extra copies of
these documents and leave them in a lock box or
with
someone entrusted with helping you with your safety
plan.
Money : Even if you have
never worked, you can take half of the
funds in the checking and savings
accounts if it is a joint
account. If you don't take any money from the
accounts,
your spouse can legally take all money and/or close the
account.
Take your part of the money. You will need it.
Items to
take:
The items with asterisks on the list below
are the most important items to take. The other items may be stored with
someone in advance, or taken with you if time allows. In organizing your
escape plan, place the items below in one file or in one place so that you can
access them quickly. If possible, have copies of these items entrusted to
someone you trust.
* Identification for yourself
* Children's birth certificate
* Your birth certificate
* Social security cards
* School and vaccination records
* Money
* Pre-paid phone cards
* Checkbook, ATM (Automatic Tellers Machine) card
* Credit cards
* Keys - house/car/office
* Driver's license and registration
* Medication
* Address book (do not leave access to places you may be)
* Welfare identification
* Work permits, Green card
* Passports),
* Divorce papers
* Medical records - for all family members
* Lease/rental agreement, house deed, mortgage payment book
* Bank books, Insurance papers
* Small salable objects
* Pictures, jewelry
* Children's favorite toys and/or blankets
* Items of special sentimental value
Telephone
numbers I need to know:
Local Police department - home - 911
Local Domestic Violence Center:___________________________
Local State's Attorney's Office:_____________________________
Police department - Near kid's school:______________________
Police department - Near work:____________________________
Battered women's shelter:_________________________________
County court family services division:_______________________
Work number:__________________________________________
Supervisor's home number:_______________________________
Clergy:_________________________________________________
Other:__________________________________________________
Keep these documents in a safe place and out
of the reach of the abuser, and above all, use this as only a guide to staying
safe and helping you to remember the things you will need. Trust your
instincts, and use your best judgment as to when, or if you can leave safely.
Once You've
Made The Break and You Are On Your Own:
Step 4: Once you are out
and living in your own residence, there
are steps you can take to insure your
safety in your own
home. Money is usually a concern, so start where you
can and
add other measures as you can afford to.
Safety
measures I can use include:
A. Change the locks on all doors and windows as soon as
possible.
B. Replace wooden doors
with steel/metal doors.
C. Install security
systems including additional locks, window
bars, poles to wedge against doors,
an electronic system, etc.
D. Purchase rope or chain
ladders to be used for escape from
second floor windows.
E. Install smoke
detectors and purchase fire extinguishers for
each floor in my house/apartment.
F. Install an outside
lighting system that lights up when a person
is coming close to my house.
G. Teach children how to
use the telephone to make a collect call
to in the event that the abuser takes
the children. It is best if
they know an alternate number to call
in such an instance.
Make sure your children know your
phone number and
address to give to the police.
Instruct them not to give it to
anyone but a police officer.
This way, the child cannot be used
as a means of the abuser finding out
where you are.
H. Tell people who take
care of your children which people have
permission to pick up the children
and that the abuser is not
permitted to do so. Inform them
of changes in your permission
for your child's pick up. Try
to have the same person pick
them up at the same time every day.
___________________________________(school),
___________________________________(day care staff),
___________________________________(baby-sitter),
___________________________________(teacher),
___________________________________(and),
___________________________________(others)
I. Inform:
_____________________________________(neighbors),
_____________________________________(pastor),
_____________________________________(friend)
that the abuser no longer resides with you
and they should
call the police if he is observed near your residence.
Obtain an Order of Protection:
Step 5: Obtain an Order
of Protection immediately. This will order
the abuser to stay away from
you. He may or may not
obey this order. If he violates it, report it
to the police
immediately.
Steps to
Making the Order of Protection Work:
A. Always keep your order of protection with you at all
times.
B. Keep a copy of the
protection order on file with police
departments in the communities where
you visit family or
friends and where you live.
C. If there is a county
registry of protection orders that all police
departments can call to confirm a
protection order, make sure
yours in on file there. Check
to make sure that your order is in
registry. The telephone number
for the registry
is:________________________.
D. When visiting other
areas, you should know that an order of
protection stands no matter where you
are. Keep it with you
even if you are traveling to another
state.
E. Inform your employer,
minister, closest friend and family that
you have a protection order in
effect.
G. If the abuser should
destroy the protection order you can
obtain another copy from the
courthouse where it was issued.
H. In the event the
abuser violates the protection order call the
police and report a violation,
contact your attorney, call any
advocate you may be working with, and
advise the court of the
violation.
I. If the
police are of no help, contact your advocate or attorney
and file a complaint with the chief
of the police department. Do
this as many times as necessary to
insure that your order will
be enforced.
J. File a private
criminal compliant with the district justice in the
jurisdiction where the violation
occurred or with the district
attorney. Charge the abuser
with a violation of the Order of
Protection and all the crimes that he
commits during each
violation of the order. Call
the domestic violence advocate to
help with this, and call your
attorney.
When Out and About in Public:
Step 6: On the job and
out in public. After leaving, each woman
will have to re-enter the
workplace, buy groceries or go
shopping, even though she may be at continued
risk.
Friends, family and co-workers can help to protect them.
Awareness is the key to opening the doors to help. Don't
be afraid to let
others know, and to help you.
Important
things to consider:
A. Inform your boss, the security supervisor and others
in charge
at work of the situation.
B. Ask them to help
screen your telephone calls at work.
C. Try not to leave work
alone. Walk out with a group, and be
sure someone in the group is aware what
the abuser looks
like. If they should see him lurking around,
instruct them to
call the police immediately.
D. When driving home if
problems occur, drive to the nearest
police station. Pull in a
parking lot where you happen to see a
police car. Pull into a fire
station where there are plenty of men
to help and who can call the police
for you. Avoid
convenience stores, and places with few people in
them. A
crowded park, a church just letting out, anywhere
there is a
large group of people is your best bet. Never
get out of the car
to phone the police if the abuser is right behind
you. Go to a
crowded place, honk your horn to draw attention, put
on your
flashers and when you stop, run for help.
E. If you use public
transit, get off at different stops, but use a
random pattern. Check the area
around the stop as you are
coming up on the stop. Try to
observe both sides of the street,
and look to make sure the abuser is
no where around that you
can see.
F. Go to different
grocery stores and shopping malls to conduct
business and shop at hours that are
different than those that
were your habits before you left.
G. Use a different bank
and take care of banking at hours
different from those used when previously.
A change of habits
will help to deter the abuser in his searching
for you.
H. Consider trading your
car if at all possible. When walking up
to your car, look underneath to be sure
there is no one
underneath it. Check the back
seat while approaching the car.
You are better off in a public place,
so if the abuser should
happen to get the best of you and try
to get you to get into
your car and drive off, DON'T GET INTO THE
CAR. Scream,
fight, run, whatever you can do, but don't
leave that spot with
someone who you already know is
capable of harming you.)
