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Although, it is a very touchy and difficult subject to approach, if abuse is suspected, it is usually going on in some form or another. There are a few basic steps you can take when trying to assist someone who may be a victim of domestic violence.  When approaching her the first time PLEASE take care to do it in an understanding, non-blaming way.  Let her know she is not alone, that there are so very many women like her in the same kind of situations all across this nation.  Tell her and show her it takes strength and courage just to survive the violence and trust someone enough to talk about what she has been living with.  Be sure to acknowledge that is it scary and difficult to talk about domestic violence and it is OK for her to break the silence. Let her know she doesn't deserve to be threatened, hit or beaten, that no one does. No matter what, nothing she can do or say makes the abuser's violence OK and most importantly she is NOT responsible for the abusers behavior.

It is wise for you to do a little research before approaching her so that you can arm yourself with lots of very important information such as, print out the sections "Warning Signs", "Power & Control", and perhaps even "How to Obtain A Restraining Order", the National Domestic Violence hotline number and even the number to Legal Aid.  Let her know there are shelters to go to if she desires to leave, that there are places for her and the children.   Check your local yellow pages for places nearest you.  Reading the contents of this section will not make you an expert on domestic violence; however, it will provide you with enough information on how to help someone recognize they are in an abusive situation and what they need to do to get help if she decides to leave.

Remember not every woman is willing to leave.  Whatever the case may be show your support as a friend.  Be there for her by being a good listener and encourage her to express her anger and the hurt. However, allow her to be the one to make her own decisions, even if it means she isn't ready to leave the abusive relationship, just let her know you are there for her.

In the event she wants to leave and expresses her desire to get out, please stick by her and let her know you will be there to help in any way you can.  Having a friend who is willing to listen and support you can be more help then I can ever say.  If she has suffered physical harm at the time offer to go to the hospital with her to check for injuries.  Be there to support her while she reports the assault to the police.  Be sure to get a case number!

Gather the information in your local area on where and how to obtain a restraining order against Domestic Violence.  Remember, if she has left and has no financial means of support or cannot afford to pay for the order, she can obtain an order free of charge.  This is up to the judges discretion, of course but don't let lack of money stop her from trying.  Let her know she can also contact Legal Aid if she needs help with filing papers for custody or divorce.  There is always a way even though the victims have been programmed to believe there is no way out.

Print out the "Safety Plan" strategies for leaving an abusive relationship, it's a kind of what to bring, what to do, who to contact list when it comes time to make that final break.  However, PLEASE don't encourage someone to follow a safety plan and leave at a point that she believes will put her or her children at further risk or in more physical danger.

As a friend or relative of someone who is in a domestic violence situation, there are some things you can do to encourage the one you care about to get help and to get out of the violent situation they are living in.  The list below is meant to help you keep in mind the most important things in dealing with such a situation.  I hope they will help you gain the patience and understanding you will need.

1.)    A woman who remains in a domestic violence situation does
        not do so because she "likes it."  To think that this is true will
        leave her feeling less and less understood by anyone.  Don't
        ever say those words about her.

2.)    It is important to realize that a woman in a domestic violence
        situation has most likely been told repeatedly that she cannot
        make it on her own.  That she can't even handle life as it is.
        (according to the abuser) It will take patience and constant
        reminding to help her to come to the place that she believes
        she is strong enough to stand alone.

3.)    Remember, she is a victim, and even when she appears to be
        gaining ground, she is apt to doubt herself each time a violent
        encounter occurs.  She feels degraded, weak, and unable to
        be strong.  Each episode of violence will drag her a few steps
        backwards.  But don't let that discourage your efforts to help.
        Start again, and remind her how far she had come and how far
        she can go. Keep at it.  Don't get fed up and quit. If you do, she
        may lose the only real hope she has found.

4.)   Offer to help her in any way that you can.  Let her know you
        will be there for her should she decide to leave, the same as
        you are now.   Be steadfast in your stand as a friend. 
        Be there for whatever she needs, at any time.

5.)    No matter how fed up you may get, never put conditions on
        your friendship or caring.  To lose what may be her only
        connection to hope could be very devastating.  Never say
        things like, "Until you're ready to leave, don't call me. " or "I'm
        tired of trying and never getting anywhere with you. "
        Remember, the decision has to be hers.  Until she's strong
        enough to make that first step, she will stay where she is.

6.)    Never give up.  If you undertake helping a domestic violence
        victim, you must be committed to her for whatever time it will
        take for her to gain the strength to leave.  It may be a short
        period of time, or it may take years. If you start, then finish. 
        Should you decide to abandon her in the middle of it all, she
        will feel even more isolated and doomed to live with the abuse
        she endures now.

7.)    Have patience.  It may be a long road for you both.  It is difficult
        for you to watch, but always keep in mind, it's much more
        difficult for her to live.

8.)    Help her to devise a plan to leave.  Help her to reach her goals.
        Encourage her to keep saving money, whether it's cutting
        corners on a few meals, having a yard sale, watching your kids
        while he's at work to earn a little money he knows nothing
        about, or even buying her a few household supplies now and
        then so that she can save the money he thinks she is
        spending.  Even in situations where the abuser won't let a
        woman work, there is always a way for her to get creative with
        the money she does get.

9.)    Abusers like to keep the women isolated from their families
        and friends.  Try not to let the abuser isolate you from her.
        This can be difficult at times, but be persistent if she tries to cut
        the ties to keep peace.  Limit your involvement to times he is
        not around if necessary, but try to keep the lines of
        communication open if there is a way to do that without
        placing her in danger.

10.)   Above all, be consistent with the love and support you are    
          giving.  Stay with it, and keep telling her how much her life
          matters to you and to others, and that you believe in her. 
          Don't give up when times get hard.  Be there for her, and pray  
          for her.  Every hurting woman deserves a ray of hope.  Be that 
          for the woman you know who is suffering more than you can   
          ever know.