Enabling
Denying
the problem exists.
Ignoring
the person I have a concern about.
Criticizing
or putting down.
Checking
up on or watching another's behavior.
Taking
on another's financial or psychological behavior.
Helping
someone out of a crisis they created, thereby
alleviating their plan.
Letting
someone's behavior control me or my response to
them.
Stewing
about a problem.
Trying
to fix up, or do too much for another by giving him/her a
feeling of being
helpless to care for him/herself.
Reacting
verbally to what another person says or taking it
personally and withdrawing.
Explaining
and defending other's actions to him/herself and
other.
Letting
another project his unhappiness on me and allowing
myself to feel guilty.
Telling
the person I am concerned about to either shape up or
use his/her willpower to
change.
Using
blame, shame, or guilt to control another.
Trying
to control someone by anger or being silent.
Not
being honest and open about my feelings.
To keep from enabling, we need to share in a direct,
loving way our concern about another's behavior and how it affects us, without
attacking that person. If we are paying someone's debts or bailing them
out of a difficulty, it is fairly easy for us to see that as enabling.
The emotional kind of enabling is more subtle and takes
much longer to see. Someone who feels guilty can make a good enabler. I
could not see or understand detachment or enabling until I had made amends in my
own life.
Enabling Behaviors
Denying: "He/she is not an alcoholic or drug abuser"
As a result: Expecting the alcoholic/addict
to control his/her
addiction;
Accepting blame.
Using with the alcoholic/addict.
Justifying the use by agreeing with the rationalization of the
alcoholic/addict,
e.g., "His/her job puts
him/her under a lot of pressure.
Keeping feelings inside.
Avoiding problems: Keeping the peace, believing lack of
conflict makes a good
relationship.
Minimizing: "It's not so bad....things will get better when..."
Protecting...the image of the alcoholic/addict;
...the alcoholic/addict from pain;
...myself from pain.
Avoiding by tranquilizing feelings with tranquilizers, food, work.
Blaming, criticizing, lecturing.
Taking over responsibilities.
Feeling superior: Treating the alcoholic/addict like a child.
Controlling: "Let's skip the office party this year".
Enduring: "This too shall pass".
Waiting: "Good will take care of it"
